Pregnancy Q&A's - a laugh!

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband is not real smart, and genes for big noses are dominant in our family, my baby will be a dummy with a big honker. Is this true?
A. Most likely...

Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A. A misconception.

Q. Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A. Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? 
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A. Sit on him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses, orderlies, florists, cleaning crews, etc.

Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.

Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A. When it's a girl.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Posted via email from partha's posterous

दिल आखिर तू क्यूँ रोता है

This piece of poetry was recited by Farhan Akhtar in a Hindi movie titled Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara... the English translation is pasted below. (Source: bollyspice.com)

जब जब दर्द का बादल छाया 

जब ग़म का साया लहराया 

जब आँसू पलकों तक आया 

जब यह तन्हा दिल घबराया

हमने दिल को यह समझाया  

…दिल आखिर तू क्यूँ रोता है  

दुनिया में यूँही होता है 

यह जो गहरे सन्नाटे हैं 

वक़्त  ने  सबको ही बांटे हैं 

थोडा ग़म है सबका किस्सा 

थोड़ी धुप है सबका हिस्सा

आँख तेरी बेकार ही नम है 

हर पल एक नया मौसम है  

क्यूँ तू ऐसे पल खोता है 

दिल आखिर तू क्यूँ रोता है 

– Javed Akhtar, Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara (as recited by Farhan Akhtar)

Translation: 

Every time the cloud of pain loomed
A tear filled my eyes
When this lonely heart was scared
I told my heart ‘Why do you cry for such reason? This happens everywhere in this world’

These dark lonely times, time has distributed them to all.
Some sadness is part of everyone’s story,
Some sunshine is a part of everyone’s life
Your eyes are damp for no reason
Every second is a new season
Why do you waste your time over such matters
Why do you cry I asked my heart

Posted via email from partha's posterous

3900 Saturdays

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable. 

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those Lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it: 

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about 'a thousand marbles..' I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.... 
  
' Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's 'dance recital' he continued. 'Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.' And that's when he began to explain his theory of a 'thousand marbles.' 

'You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years. Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part. It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail', he went on, 'and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.' 

'Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.' 

There's nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight . 

'Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.' 

'It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!' 

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. 

Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. 'C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast.' 'What brought this on?' she asked with a smile. 'Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles. 

And so, as one smart bear once said.....'If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.'
- Winnie the Pooh

Posted via email from partha's posterous